Once
back in Johannesburg we procured lodging close to the airport for the
sake of expediency. We spent a few days tying up some loose ends to
include giving Sparky a bath and purchasing airfare. While waiting at
the car wash for our car to be cleaned the owner struck up a
conversation dripping with racism. The country is overrun with them.
We used to play in the streets as kids until they took over.
You can't trust any of them. In lieu of getting murdered she
and her family are headed to Botswana. Alrighty. We just met this
woman. I cannot quite explain why she felt so comfortable bearing her
soul to complete strangers. This was not the first instance of such
behavior. I guess people have no problem sharing as we are all
clearly on the same 'team'.
We
left most of our gear at the bed & breakfast in hopes that
someone would find a use for our stuff (dinnerware, cooler, gas
stove, etc.). Someone was either really excited or really irritated
by the yard sale we left behind. We packed up Sparky for the last
time and headed to the Avis airport office for what we thought might
be a struggle of epic proportions. Over the course of two months
we'd involved three separate Avis offices in our shenanigans and
switched vehicles in the process. Too much paperwork. Too many
employees involved. Too much confusion. And since we'd exceeded our
allowable kilometers we were prepared to take it right in the
stinker. Much to our surprise the return went smoothly and although
we did have some overage payments in the end the representative with
which we dealt was courteous, competent, and reasonable. She even
waived a few of the charges in light of our constant struggle with
Avis over the course of our journey. Ahhhh....refreshing.
Parting is such sweet sorrow but it was time for Leslie and I to go our separate ways. She was needed at home and was making the obnoxiously long journey from Johannesburg to Portland, Oregon. We thought we would rendezvous in Abu Dhabi but, unfortunately, Leslie misread her itinerary and confused Abu Dhabi with Dubai. Our goodbye was less sentimental than it otherwise would have been but maybe that is for the best. Long goodbyes are a real downer. Leslie to Oregon. Richie to Turkey.
I
arrived in Istanbul with intentions you might not readily guess. I
felt a full medical and dental examination was in order. It had been
over two years since my last tune up so I was overdue. Why Turkey?
Good question. Let’s start with money. No job. No house. No car. No
insurance (at least none that covers preventive costs). So
rather than head home and be forced to sell a kidney to receive a
thorough examination I decided to think global.
Medical
tourism is expanding at an exponential pace. You don’t need a
medical degree to figure out why. You only need to calculate the
average medical costs of, well, anything in places like the good ole
US of A. I suppose I could quote statistics and provide links but we
all know the deal (and by ‘all’ I mean anyone that has any
knowledge whatsoever of the American medical system). So, many people
look elsewhere in places like India, Thailand, and Turkey. I chose
Turkey. Gobble, gobble.
Initially,
I was going to head to India because I’d read that the hospitals
catering to foreign folk were top notch. Plus, I wanted one more
opportunity to track down Tony the Tiger. However, this would have
entailed me going to the Indian Embassy in Johannesburg and waiting
five days or longer to receive a visa. That coupled with their
exorbitant fee was entirely too much ass pain for me.
Turkey,
on the other hand, has but a $20 visa-on-arrival standing in the way.
Not a good reason to head there for medical treatment but a good
start. As it turns out Istanbul has some fine hospitals, many of
which are affiliated with American medical institutions. Two that
crossed my radar are Anadolu
Medical Center (Johns
Hopkins) and Acibadem
Health Group (Harvard
Medical International). I contacted Anadolu first but they neglected
to return my call. Do they have any idea who I am? I’ve got shit in
the hopper and certainly no time to be waiting around. Acibadem, on
the other hand, responded promptly. I spoke with them on a Monday and
they were ready to schedule an appointment for the next day (I gave
myself an extra day to prepare).
On
Wednesday I went in for my check up. The hospital I was directed to
happened to be the newest member of their group, Acibadem Fulya.
(Yes, they have a Facebook page.
Why wouldn’t they?) It has only been operating for six months and
as a result everything is brand spanking new. In fact, it is the
nicest hospital I’ve ever been in. Interestingly, they have a
specific ‘check up’ department (they actually use the English
phrase ‘check up’). I arrived and checked in at the reception
desk. Although the clerical staff spoke very little English they
provided a liaison that did, quite proficiently I might add. I
discovered later that she had lived in Houston, Texas for 25 years.
And all of the doctors I interacted with spoke English quite
well also.
First
I had blood drawn, blood pressure measurements, height, weight, etc.
Next was a visit to the primary care physician for a medical history
and a basic examination followed by a trip to the cardiologist
(stress test, ultrasound), the x-ray department (chest film), the
urologist (ultrasound), a trip to the lab for a deposit (pee pee and
poo poo), and concluded with a stop at the dentist. It was a model of
efficiency and took barely half a day (I arrived at 9:30 am and was
finished by 2 pm). Now, the fact that the hospital is new and does
not have a full patient load undoubtedly was a factor but all of
these procedures together are routinely completed within a single
day. I was personally escorted to each appointment by a staff member
(cute and female incidentally) and spent very little time waiting
around. Never in my life have I enjoyed going to the doctor so
thoroughly.
The
dental portion of my visit was particularly interesting. The dentist
(she has a Ph.D, as do all the doctors on staff) was especially
cordial. Not only did I receive a full panoramic x-ray but was able
to view pictures of the inside of my mouth on a computer monitor
while she was examining me. She cleaned my teeth with a fancy smancy
high intensity vibrating water pick and followed it up with one hell
of a polish. While this was happening I was treated to music videos
(ala VH1) on the computer screen.
And
after all is said and done they even throw in a free meal at the
cafe. Now that’s what I call a check up!!
The
next day I returned to review my results with the primary care
physician. It seems I am in good health even after over two years of
globetrotting. Yippy skippy. And what was the bill after all was said
and done? $849.13 US. This includes an ultrasound on my thyroid and
the panoramic dental x-ray, both of which are not part of a standard
check up. $849.13? Do you realize how absurdly cheap that is? It is
fucking ridiculous!
I
caused somewhat of a mini-sensation as no one could quite figure out
what I was doing there. The primary physician told me her and a
colleague laughed profusely and joked about how getting a check up
must be on the ‘100 Things to Do in Istanbul’ list. Who
the hell flies half way across the world to get a routine exam? That
would be me. I did explain that I had been traveling for some time
and wanted to save a bit of cash so I decided to get examined on my
way home.
Questions
about what I do are always problematic. ‘Ummmm….I quit
my job and decided to frolic globally for over two years. No, no I’m
not rich, except for my name..hah..hah..no but seriously, just
financially irresponsible. I worked in Baghdad for over two years and
needed a break to find myself…still searching...hehe...no, but
seriously….I was in the Army for a while which is how I got that
job…so on and so forth..yaaaawn. Oh and I went to law school and am
technically a lawyer but decided to say ‘F that!!’ and never
practiced a day in my life. Yes, yes. I am an idiot, a silly, silly
fool. Easy to save money when you have no house, no car, and, most
importantly no WIFE!!. Yeaaaaaaah, you know what I’m talking about
(wink, wink, nudge, nudge)..women...no, but seriously….no, no
people generally like me…sort of….probably…oh and I write a
blog….no, no not for money….readers?.....well my mommy loves it
and thinks I have promise….no, but seriously…..’
My
primary doctor seriously considered the possibility that I might be
insane and even went so far as to Google my name to see if I really
was a lawyer. Can’t argue with Google. I'm legit. Too legit to
quit.
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