The Formula (Indonesia)

For a revised version of this post, go here.

Aug 7^th, 2009 - I’ve been on a bit of a blogging holiday. For the three of my regular followers I apologize. Not all that much going down. I flew from Medan to Bali and returned to Ubud, where it all started. I had to come back here to retrieve my passport from the visa agency with whom I left it. Yes, I’ve been traveling around Indonesia for months without my passport. Legal? Probably not but many folks do it. Legal smegal, right?

I was pleased to discover upon glancing through my passport that Indonesian immigration officials had used up all but one of my visa pages unnecessarily. Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. So now I have to head to an embassy and add some pages. Super. Which embassy? To Kuala Lumpur I go! I am going to head to Malaysia’s capital for a week or so to stock up on supplies and plan my next move.

My next move? Hmmmmm. Well, it appears that I will be meeting a friend in Vietnam in the later part of September so the dilemma revolves around what to do with my time until then. Time for a complex formula. I would stay in Malaysia and hit Borneo but the alignment of Mercury and Venus do not bode well for that option.

I thought about returning to Indo to hit the Banda Islands but a blind elf appeared to me in a dream and warned me against the possible consequences (namely that I would lose all of my hair and turn purple).

The Philippines crossed my radar but I am too afraid I would become addicted to balut and screw everything that moves (It is believed to be an aphrodisiac).

East Timor you say? Well, I thought of that but as it turns out Shakira wrote a protest song about the country and she annoys the hell out of me so Timor is out.

Myanmar was at top of my list but my plans to be the first American to swim across the lake to Aung San Suu Kyi’s house were dashed when I found out another asshole beat me to the punch. Damn it!!

So naturally I should go to Mongolia, right? Wrong. Genghis Khan was born in 1162. 1+1+6+2 = 10. 10 is the number of times I’ve experienced involuntary loss of bowel control in my adult life so it stands to reason that if I go to Mongolia I will contract dysentery. As if that were not enough he died in 1227 at age 65. 1+2+2+7+6+5 = 23. Have you ever seen the movie 23 with Jim Carey? Scary. Mongolia is out.

I met some guy on the street named Stan who suggested I throw a dart at a map which eerily fell on Tajiki-‘stan’. Coincidence? I think not. But then I realized that there are no less than eight countries with ‘stan’ in their name (Afghanistan, Hindustan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Turkmenistan,Uzbekistan, Tajikistan). That’s just unoriginal and lazy. Hindustan? Another name for India. Gimme a f***ing break! The ‘-stans’ are out.

And then it happened. A cab driver referred to me as ‘Sir’ which when you rearrange the ‘i’ and the ‘r’ (It’s easy. I did it in like four seconds) spells ‘Sri’. According to Sanskrit grammar, Sri belongs to the feminine subjunctive gender. Not only is Sanskrit my second favorite language but it just happens to form the first syllable of the country named Sri Lanka. This was more than enough to make a decision but just to be safe I rearranged the ‘n’ and the ‘k’ (two seconds) in Lanka and came up with Lakna. When you put Lakna into Google you find some guy named Jeton Lakna in Facebook who just happens to be a visual effects artists. I love art and all effects visual so I knew I should probably head to Sri Lanka. I still need to consult the oracle (I have Larry Ellison on speed dial) but I think I may have a winner.